We’ve all experienced desire—for something, someone, or a situation—that “I want” this or that. But what lies behind it? Here are some insights from Buddhist psychology.
Recently, I was reading Oren Jay Ofer’s book on mindful communication, and I came across a chapter that caught my attention because it presented an idea that I found illuminating: behind our desires lies a fundamental need of our being that is trying to make itself known. Let me explain: imagine I want a red car from a prestigious brand—what is actually hidden beneath this desire? Certainly the need to be seen, recognized, admired, and valued as having succeeded in life… in short, the deep need to be loved. The example is simple, but it may already resonate with you. Let’s take it a step further: what lies behind the opposite of our desires—aversion? When we accuse someone of being selfish, for example, aren’t we really saying that we need to be taken into account?
I’ve experimented with this idea; I’ve consciously sought out the underlying needs behind my everyday reactions, no matter how mundane they may be—from indifference to irritation to attachment. Someone speaks to me and I feel my impatience—what is actually going on behind that impatience? By pausing and reflecting, I sense the need to be nourished in my human interactions. I look at the mountains in the distance and think to myself, “I’d love to be there, to wander through the snow, to head toward the peaks,” and behind that desire lies a need for space, silence, and perspective. I walk through dreary, monotonous streets, paying them little attention, and behind this indifference, I sense the need to retreat, to find a safe and welcoming space.
These needs are an impulse of life that we all share. A life force that often speaks softly and is therefore expressed awkwardly, through strategies that are ill-suited or even harmful to our well-being. Because we’re mistaken; we confuse the strategy with the need. Let’s take the example of the red car again: our need is to be seen and loved, and our strategy is to buy a red car; where we go wrong is in thinking that the red car is what we’re missing, when what we’re really and simply missing is love. All our reactions—even anger or discouragement—are expressions of a human need. If we can identify that need, we give ourselves the opportunity to return to the authenticity of our hearts, to move from the material to the spiritual, and from disruptive emotions to the tenderness of compassion.
The next time you get angry or find yourself obsessing over someone or something, listen to your heart—what is it really asking for? It whispers, and listening to it means reconnecting with our sensitivity and hearing the profound truth of our human experience.